by How to Tell If You’re Part of a Cult or Just Really Into CrossFit
How to Tell If You’re Part of a Cult or Just Really Into CrossFit – Free Thinker’s Bible
How to Tell If You’re Part of a Cult or Just Really Into CrossFit – A Satirical Fitness Check for the Doctrinally Buff
How to Tell If You’re Part of a Cult or Just Really Into CrossFit – Not all cults wear robes. Some wear matching shorts and scream about deadlifts. Let’s investigate.
How to Tell If You’re Part of a Cult or Just Really Into CrossFit
Is There a Uniform?
If everyone wears the same brand of minimalist shoes and drinks ceremonial protein shakes, you might not be in a gym. You might be mid-initiation.
Do You Speak in Code?
WOD. AMRAP. Murph. These aren’t ancient incantations. But they might be if your grandma’s worried you’ve joined a squat-based religion.
Are Outsiders Judged?
If you can’t have brunch without judging your friend’s “non-functional movements,” your spiritual practice might involve burpees. And judgment. So much judgment.
What the Funny People Are Saying
“I left a CrossFit box and got 73 DMs asking if I was okay. My actual family never noticed I moved.” – Former Disciple of Gains
Is There a Central Text?
If you quote Rich Froning like scripture, pause. Are you worshipping technique – or testimony? When PRs become moral lessons, the box has become the temple.
How Do They Handle Doubt?
Do they say, “Listen to your body”? Or “Pain is weakness leaving the soul”? One is advice. The other is indoctrination with biceps.
Conclusion: If You Can’t Leave Without a Ceremony, It’s Probably a Cult
Enjoy your workouts. Celebrate your strength. But if the community starts calling itself “the chosen reps,” it’s time to sprint… toward moderation.
FREE THINKER’S BIBLE
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Originally posted 2025-05-20 00:00:00.
Annika Steinmann is Bohiney Magazine’s Senior Business Correspondent, reporting directly from Wall Street with a signature blend of investigative depth and razor-sharp wit. With over a decade of experience covering global markets, corporate corruption, and finance culture, Annika brings unparalleled expertise in economics, journalism, and exposing overfunded nonsense. She holds an MBA from Wharton and a B.A. in economics from the University of Chicago, establishing her authoritative voice across business media. Her reporting has appeared in Forbes, FT, and Bloomberg, while her viral essays have reshaped public opinion on everything from crypto fraud to startup delusion. Known for her commitment to factual accuracy and transparency, she’s widely regarded as a trusted voice in financial satire and serious reporting alike. She lives in New York City, where she continues to write, speak, and fact-check billionaires for sport.
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